The Fear.

I don’t think I can remember how it felt
to have you in my life.

I look at old photographs
But I draw a blank; the images
Just memories shaded by the blind
Of the back of my mind.

I can’t even remember
Owning that blue cardigan.
Let alone the feel of you holding me
In that way that you used to;
The touch of your hands upon mine or
Your lips on my skin.

Sometimes it scares me
That at one point I felt so much
And I had so much inside of me
To give to you
And yet now, I look at your face
Staring at me from the pages of
An ancient album
And I feel absolutely nothing.

You will never know how you changed me.
You did.
And whilst the effects of you still reverberate
Through my body and my mind
I still cannot find within myself
That way that you used to laugh at my jokes.

Sometimes I can’t even remember your face.

I used to lay in bed; your face hazy
During that moment between the dark and the light
When you’re not quite sure
If you’re asleep or you’re awake
And I would pray you were real.

Now when I wake up
I think of work, coffee, pubs and parties
It’s never you any more.

And whilst it’s probably for the best
I sometimes wish that feeling
The feeling that my breath is gone
The feeling I might die without you
The feeling that I need your face
Would come back.

It’s a silly thing to think;
You were a fool.
But nobody wants to be lonely
Do they?

I think, right now
I’ll settle for feeling alive.


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