for you, the sun will be shining.

 

I won’t lie to you; this song was introduced to me via an episode of Glee, which probably makes me the saddest wannabe-poet to walk the halls in many a year. I don’t care. All that matters is it found me; it found me at a time when I needed it the most.

Reflecting on the past is a tough thing to do at times. I am not and have never been perfect; I have made tens of hundreds of mistakes throughout my time on this planet and there are often days that I feel like I’m being thoroughly punished for each and every one of them. I try my hardest to live by the motto ‘never regret anything’. Sometimes it’s tough. Now I try to live by the motto ‘this too shall pass’ – for often life is tough; it can bite you hard. It’s often far too easy to give up on things simply because we’re too tired to deal with them any more. We give up on love, our career, our friends – when what we really should tell ourselves is ‘one day, this will all be a memory’.

I’m a huge romantic. I fall hard and I fall fast, and always, always for the most inappropriate men and women. Of course, the upshot of this is that I live eight tenths of my life in a love-struck haze; I sing loud and hard, walk with a bounce and appreciate the lyrics of songs like the above. However, the downside is that when love ends, it ends with a smack in the mouth and there’s nothing I can do but trudge to work and deal with the endless monotony until it too passes and becomes memory; becomes myth. It’s times like this, times when relationships that once consumed me end, that I try to listen out for the markers the tell me the experience is almost over. I’ve been here before. I’ve cried endless tears over countless failures; I’ve spent endless amounts of cash on cigarettes, drugs and booze in an effort to kill the sinking feelings inside me; I’ve found myself underneath the least suitable people in a half-baked effort to forget. It usually helps; it rarely works. But what else do we do? I am an expert wallower; I am even better at self-pity. I’m a drama queen and though I hate the feelings, a small part of me appreciates the drama behind it all.

I read with avid interest a blog by Carrie Lloyd, which can be found here. In it, she expresses the things she has learned from life – a post that inspired my ‘things that I have learnt’ post from earlier this week. I took solace in what she was saying and she offered me some personal words of assurance and advice in response, which I intend to hold on to – the notion that one day, all of this experience will be committed to memory and it can only make me a better person in the long run. What am I now if not an expert on failed relationships? Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, after all.

I will never, ever fall out of love with being in love. It’s my favourite emotion. Which is why I still listen to this song and look forward – I may be in my fifties when I finally find the right person for me, but what does it matter? On the way there, I intend to fall in love a few times more yet, even if it is fleeting, unsure, or unreciprocated. Right now, though, I will not go looking for it.

-B. x

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