I’m off on holiday in three weeks
So I’m trying to get slim
You have no idea of the effort
That it takes to keep me trim

I’ve had my fill of salmon
with brown rice and green beans
I’m bored to death of chicken
and I fucking hate spring greens

I’ve ruined myself with sit-ups
I can barely run a mile
My thighs are buggered from squatting
And my boxing gloves smell vile

I’ve tried a day of detox
I’ve tried the superfoods
I’ve even tried the cabbage soup
I still look wretched nude

I’m overdosing on water
I’ve got vitamins out of my ears
I’m popping pills like there’s no tomorrow
I’ve even abandoned beer

(Well, I’ve had the odd shandy)
The scales just will not budge
Even though each morning
I commit the daily trudge

I’ve spun and boxed and climbed and swam
jogged and cycled and danced
Fenced and circuited and hiked and rode
I can’t count the blisters I’ve lanced

And still I just can’t manage to get
The zip on my dress to do up
Oh fuck it; I’ve had just enough
Where’re the bloody doughnuts?


21 responses to “diet.

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